Freaking. Out.

O.M.G. I think I might be knocked up!

After having a terrible nightmare that my period started...and my parents announced to me that they were expecting again, I woke up this morning in a cold sweat....and on a mission to POAS!!!! 

I know, I know....I said I was going to hold out.  and I was.  I really was.....until my bizarre-o dream!  Now, confession time: this is actually the 2nd time I POAS this cycle.  I did on Monday as well.   But I had a good, justifiable reason: to see if the trigger shot was out of my system yet.  I was 8 DPIUI and I knew it was way too early for a true positive, so any shade of a line would be a good way to gauge the trigger.  There was a little bit of a line on Monday, no more than an evap line, really.  In fact, it wasn't even there until I came back to it an hour later.  I didn't take any pictures, chucked it in the trashcan, and went on with my life (yeah, right...). 

So this morning, I pee on a good ole Wondfo cheapie and.....WTF?!  2 lines?!?!?!  Well, I noticed a small "nick" where the test line was, so I quickly invalidated the results.....and grabbed another test.  I ended up grabbing another brand, and alas, no real line.  But wait....wondfo is much more sensitive I tell myself, and I grab a third!  ...and there it was..... 2 F'ING PINK LINES OH.MY.GOD.  I almost passed out! 

The top test in the photo is the first test, the one with the nick in it.  The bottom was the 2nd test, a different brand.  The middle test was the one I couldn't "debunk".  I know it's wayyyyyyy early; I'm only 10 DPIUI right now and now I have to SOMEHOW wait another 4 days before I call the doctor and have a beta done.  But I'm seriously SHOCKED right now!!!!  These lines, even on the bottom one, are much more evident than the test from Monday.

I didn't tell Heath yet.  I don't think I had even believed it myself!  I'm going to TRY and hold off testing again until Saturday morning, and then I'm going to bust out the big guns.  Yep, that's right, the digis that I've had and NEVER EVER got to use!!! WOOOO-HOOOO!  Even if Sunday comes and the lines disappear, I KNOW I AM PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!  It means it worked!  After 20 months of charting, bleeding, crying, and feeling an indescribable pain, WE DID IT.  I pray pray pray this is OUR BABY and it's a sticky bean.  More to follow!!!!

Pregnancy vs. Progesterone vs. Cold?

Today is 6 DPIUI.  Now, in the past, that would mean I would start spotting tomorrow or Monday and AF would follow the next day.  I'm praying that the prometrium does it's job and holds AF off.  I will be devastated if it doesn't.  This week started out pretty uneventful and I was doing a pretty good job keeping my mind off of things...that is, until I came down with this cold/flu of the year.

So now the big question is......pregnancy vs. progesterone vs. cold?  What am I suffering from?  1, 2, or 3 of these?!?  I guess time will tell, but it's pretty annoying not knowing the source of my misery! :)  I mean, if it's from pregnancy I will gladly take feeling like death warmed over!

Let me walk you through my week.
1-2 DPIUI:  Monday & Tuesday-I continued to have fleeting twinges and cramps and some bloating, but nothing new for me.  I tend to have what I describe as ovulation pains for several days after O, so nothing too surprising about this.

3 DPIUI: Wednesday-Began prometrium in the morning.  "Twingy" cramps continue, but I also experience a "heaviness" or "fullness" in my uterus, along with bloating.  That's definitely a new one for me.  That afternoon I started sneezing and coughing, but I chalked it up to possible allergies, as we're having an early spring. (Oh and believe me...I'm not complaining about 80 degree weather in March in Nebraska! No way! Bring it!)

4-5 DPIUI: Thursday & Friday-I felt pretty good all day Thursday until about 2'o clock...then BAM.  I started noticing my boobs were sore along the sides, I was starving, but nothing sounded good, and I was exhausted. I had officially hit a wall-I figured being 36 hours into the progesterone was the reason for these symptoms, but my "allergies" had turned into body aches, freezing cold (and it's 80 outside), dull headache, tightness in my chest, runny nose...I ended up leaving work a little early just so I could go home and lay on my couch.  I slept like crap Thursday night and had to get up with the dog (which pissed me off, I don't know why...I do every night and it doesn't usually bug me).  So Friday I woke up with the sore throat/cough thing.  By late morning I was feeling ok, but by 3:00 I was done for.  I went home and took my place on the couch once again.  I slept like crap again last night, even though I made the poor pup sleep in her kennel so I wouldn't have to get up and let her out (poor Lola!).  I was awake every few hours with my stuffy nose and drainage down my throat (gross, sorry).

So....is the cold just a cold?  Is the cold a pregnancy symptom?  Is it just progesterone symptoms topped off with a cold?  Is it all three??!?  UGH.  All I know is this week was the slowest week ever....what's next week going to be like?!
one week down, one to go.

Did we just make a baby?!

Wait-what?!  I'm excited (and somewhat shocked) to announce that we had the IUI procedure this morning.  Now, I know that just because we did IUI doesn't mean we're knocked up, but actually being able to follow through with the procedure feels like a HUGE moral victory. 

We went last Thursday for our scheduled blood work and ultrasound.  They determined I had 1 follicle at 17mm, 1 at 14mm, and 1 at 13mm.  My lining looked good, as did all my hormone levels.  She wanted to push me one more day with meds to get that 17mm a little more mature, but that also meant it pushed the other 2 smaller ones.  She estimated 2 mature follicles by the time of IUI.  I'm sort of freaking out about the potential of having twins, but of course I would be all for it!  DH confessed in the car on the way home he hopes we catch both eggies!  It's still a little crazy to me if we even get one, so I'm not going to let myself get too carried away daydreaming about multiples. :)

I start progesterone on Wednesday, continue with it until my test date-March 25th.  Oh my gosh....I've never actually had a 2WW, usually AF is here by 8 DPO!  I'm vowing not to test early and I'm not testing out my trigger...we'll see how that goes.  If I make it past 8 DPO...those last 6 days are going to a bear! 

Ding, Ding! Round 2

So my last couple posts have been very negative; I apologize.  It seems that 'off cycle' is the worst!  Another pack of birth control has come and gone and here we are: ready for Round 2.  AF graced me with her presence on Thursday morning.  Really, these off cycles are the only time I enjoy her arrival!  I went in for my baseline ultrasound today.  I left feeling a little concerned that the only medicine I was possibly going to get to be taking was birth control again because of a small cyst that has still lingered (dumb thing!!).  However (drum roll please)......we're go for launch!  The doctor said it wasn't too concerning.  After the last octo-fiasco, I assumed my doctor would be requiring my constant ultrasounds to be done in her office (a smooth 4 hours away), but we don't!  In fact, I don't have any ultrasounds/bloodwork between now and CD 14.  I'm sort of nervous about this, as with Follistim it's necessary to watch it closely, but the doctor said after our "experimental" cycle, she knows what she wants to do and doesn't think there's any reason for the constant u/s. 

So here it is: the fertile cocktail for the next 2 weeks:

~75iu: Sunday 2/26 through Thursday 3/1

~100iu: Friday 3/2 through Sunday 3/4

~125iu: Monday 3/5 through Wednesday 3/7

~Thursday 3/8 appointment in Omaha for ultrasound/blood work with Dr. D.

Although I'm nervous that I won't be having all the u/s and blood work, I know that I've got to put my faith in the Lord and trust my doctor, since she knows better than I do!  The great news is the 8th & 9th is our "spring break" so if nothing else positive comes out of this cycle, at least I didn't have to take yet another sick day!!  Woo-hoo!

the "baby" elephant in the room

I would like to think that I've handled everything the ride of infertility has thrown at me in an okay manner.  Sure, I've had my moments when I've broke down, had a temper tantrum, or been sad because of everything.  But, all things considered, I think I've done quite well.  I mean, a few weeks ago on facebook there were seven pregnancy announcements!  SEVEN!  Seeing stuff like that used to make me cringe, but now, I hardly even bat an eye.  Having said that, I think it's probably because these people are acquaintances, friends of friends, etc. not anyone particularly close to me. 

Well, my ability to "deal" apparently goes out the window when it's someone close to me.  Last night, some friends of ours announced their 8 weeks along.  Now I know I've said this before, I it still rings true here--I'm happy for them, I am.  But I'm even more sad for us.  These friends are good people, I love them dearly, really, I do.  BUT....they just got married in September, hell, we've been TRYING longer than they've known each other.  She told me before the Super Bowl started and we were at their house.  Yeah, that was a great time, sitting there trying to keep that ugly green-headed envious monster from rearing it's little head throughout an entire boring football game.  Every so often I had to excuse myself to the restroom, mainly to empty my bladder since I was chugging beer like I was in college again, and also to let out the sobs I was suppressing. 

We got in the car to leave, and DH knew that something was up.  I'm pretty sure I looked a combination of someone about to puke & cry.   I couldn't control myself.  I completely lost it.  Sobbing uncontrollably.  I don't like that these meltdowns are happening more frequently.  DH's first response was, 'well that's good for them, right?' to which I wanted to respond to by punching him in the face (I didn't...).  We got home and got ready for bed, still sobbing of course.  He laid with me in bed and decided to play the role of cheerleader first, 'you're strong, it's going to be okay, we just gotta have faith' which then moved into the role of coach, 'you're not a quitter!, you need to snap out of this,'.  I didn't take that very well, needless to say.  It then turned into him word-vomiting how he feels like he has to 'walk on eggshells around me' and 'can't even feel excited for his sister who's due soon, because he's afraid it'll upset me'.  It ended with him storming out of the room and not coming to bed until 3 hours later.  Awesome.  That's just what I needed, this to turn into a huge f*cking fight between the two of us.  I don't understand why he couldn't just lay there with me in silence???  Why did he feel the need to keep talking, digging himself a hole until I eventually blew up at him?!  I can't understand why he doesn't get why I'm sad...I'm simple mourning the loss of our fertility, our ability to do this the normal, old-fashioned way.  Is he not sad about it?! 

What a shitty way to start the week.  I slept like crap last night and feel like shit today.  Neither of us are very good at letting things go, so I know it's going to an awkward, long night when he gets home from work.  F. 

Here we go again.

Welp, here we are again, a new chapter in our story, only...it feels like I'm reading it backwards, not forwards. It's almost like the last month ever happened.  Only it did....and I don't know how I feel about it.  Empty.  Hollow.  Nothing. That's a good way to describe it.  Maybe my emotions just need to be turned off for awhile to let myself re-coop mentally.   My period started Monday and today I started birth control again.  We'll continue writing our story in March.

I had a great chat/therapy session with my infertile/just miscarried friend over the weekend.  Boy, was that great to get to talk to her.  I think we both needed it.  We enjoyed several bottles of wine over the course of our visit...(we shared with DH's...don't worry...we're not that big of lushes...although I did have a lil headache the next morning!).  We were both in such positive moods, I don't know, maybe I drained myself of it.  All I know is this week I'm empty.  No sadness.  No happiness.  No nothing.  I've been a bit of a zombie and I'm really hoping I snap out of it soon.  Although...it might not be such a bad thing for it to last a few more weeks.  I'm meeting up with 3 girlfriends from college---and all 3 of their adorable infants--next weekend.  Maybe 'nothing' is what I need to make it through that emotional torture? 

Octomom, anyone?

Geez.  Where is my 'gray zone'???  Why does my body insist on doing things to one extreme or the other?!?

Good News: I responded to Follistim.
Bad News: I could have been the next Octomom.  Seriously.

Our IUI has been cancelled due to having too many follicles.  8 possible mature follicles to be exact.  EIGHT. WHAT?!?!  How can a person go from not being able to produce ONE quality egg to EIGHT follicles ranging from 14-19mm???

The nurse called on Thursday afternoon with the results I was anticipating--Dr. Doherty was concerned with follicle amount and size.  She wanted to see us in person for u/s and blood work before she decided what the next step would be.  I told DH we would be making the drive to see her; he was little irritated that we would have to go to Omaha for the same thing they could do in Kearney.....he was changing his tune after we met with her and realized what a fiasco we had on our hands.  I tried to keep my composure while we were going over everything and what our next steps would be, but it was hard.  She thinks we need to try one more round of Follistim, moving just a little slower with the med dosage and monitoring my estrogen more, as my estrogen levels were much lower than they should have been for the amount of follicles I had.  If I still overstim, we will scrap IUI all together and move onto IVF this summer (this is because we can control how many go in...where with IUI there's no telling how many will fertilize).  She said with IVF she will push me hard with the meds, hoping to get the same results as we had this cycle, then do ET and IVF.

I know this is a "good problem" to have, much better than if I wouldn't have responded to the meds at all...but I'm still so disappointed that we start the wait over, again.....I will begin another pack of birth control so we can start the next injection cycle from a baseline.  This means that we won't get started again until March.  The waiting part is what sucks.  I know we're on the right path....I need to dig deep, yet again, and find the patience I'm needing to get through this and remember that this is GOD'S WILL. HIS WILL BE DONE.....NOT MINE!