My own little island

I have some pretty awesome people helping me along this journey.  From my "virtual sisters" from the Fertility Friend message boards, to my amazing hubby, who's had to deal with my rollercoaster emotions for the last year and a half, as well as numerous friends/family/coworkers who've been supportive, even my college friends who couldn't really relate (because they were knocked up after looking at their husband's...) but empathized for me.  Out of all of my support system, though, there was the ONE FRIEND that totally got it, only because she was in the seat right next to me on the infertility rollercoaster.....that is, until now.  Yep, my token infertile friend called me yesterday.  They're pregnant. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am over the moon excited for her.  They've been at it as long as we have and started meds several months ago as well.  I was, by no means, surprised to get the call.  I mean, we've kept each other in the loop throughout every cycle.  Hell, I even knew what time of the day she did the trigger shot.  If I'm being honest, she's probably the only friend/family member that's told me and my initial desire wasn't to jump through the phone and strangle her. (Nice image, huh?)  But as I got off the phone with her, I couldn't help but feel that sadness creep in.  Only this time it was a different sadness than I'd experienced before....it was more like, the realization that I'm completely alone.

As I drove home from work (my 40 minute commute), I allowed myself 5 minutes to feel sorry for myself.  During those 5 minutes, the image of a deserted island kept popping into my mind.  It's like....we were trapped on this deserted island together and then one day, someone comes to rescue us, but there's only enough room for one....so now she's gone & I'm left on my own little island, who knows when I'll get to be rescued.  When I got home, of course I poured myself a glass of wine and allowed myself 5 more minutes of self pity.  As I sat with my full glass of wine and my empty womb, I prayed that my ship will come in soon.....and then this morning, as I drove to work, I saw the most beautiful sunrise.  A peace came over me....and then I thought, "I'm not alone on my island....the Lord is sitting right next me...and has been for a long time."

God is Good.  My prayer quickly changed from the usual 'me, me, me' to prayers for my friend who's experiencing this amazing miracle.  I pray that her baby will continue to grow and in 9 months they're welcoming their beautiful, healthy baby.  And if I'm lucky, maybe I'll be knocked up by then, too.

...and the ride continues

The appointment with Dr. Doherty in Omaha went fabulous!  I loved her--she was quick & to the point, but still listened to us, let us ask questions, and was patient.  She made it sound like our next step is "easy-peasey-lemon-squeezy."  I'm feeling very confident that she is "the one" to help us on this next step of our journey.  I also felt justified for switching doctors when she looked up from my chart, looked at me, and said, "You should have never been on 200mg of Clomid.  Ever.  We will not be doing Clomid again."  She also told me no more exercise, even if it was just walking and to "go buy a carton of ice cream."   Uhhhh....yes, doctor, whatever you say!!!! :D 

So here it is...the "next step" begins with injects of Follistim (unsure as to the dosage still) & numerous visits to Kearney for blood work and ultrasounds during CD 3-14.  Thank goodness we're able to "contract" that out and we're not going to Omaha 5-6 times in a two week span.  EEK!  That would suck.  When all looks good, we'll do the trigger shot (hCG)....and then we'll be on our way to Omaha for IUI! where we hopefully make our baby!!

I wish my crystal ball was working so I knew exactly what days everything would be happening on, as to help me feel more prepared (weird, I still can't give up control, can I?  I know God is up there laughing at me saying, "when will you learn your lesson?!")  I guess until CD 1 I'm going to enjoy sex (since I haven't really done that in over a year), drink that 2nd (or 3rd) glass of wine at night, and enjoy a good night's sleep.  Here's to hoping to go out of 2011 with a bang...and a baby on board!

The evil Internet

Why did I feel compelled to Google my new RE 48 hours before my appointment???  I ran across a page with close to 60 reviews of her....and about 1/4 of them were not good reviews.  As if I wasn't already starting to freak out about our appointment!!!  I'm to stay grounded and not get freaked by all the crappy reviews.  Most of the bad ones said that she was very abrupt, cold, and not compassionate.  Although I'm all for a doctor that's cut & dry and doesn't sugar coat things, isn't bedside manner sort of important, too? 

UGH.  I guess we'll see on Wednesday.  Saying an extra prayer tonight, that's for sure....I have to remember I've had several friends & coworkers refer her to me....and most of them have children, thanks to her.  

A bit of history...

So obviously we're not the first, nor will we be the last, to ride this roller coaster of infertility.  Our story is not all that unique or different than most couple's experiencing this, but nonetheless, a little background information is nice.....So here's our story (up to now) in a quick timeline....

January 2010:  I got off birth control to let my body be "normal" for the first time in a long time.  We continued to use protection because we "weren't quite ready" for kids yet.  (Ohhhh the irony!)

August 2010:  I began charting & taking my BBT because the 8 months off birth control showed my body was very, very irregular. 

October 2010:  I had that gut feeling that something "just wasn't right" with my body.  We hadn't been at it long, but I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that we were going to be in for the long haul.  I brought it up to my doctor at my annual appointment and she told me to go ahead and make an initial fertility consultation.  She also wrote a script for my initial bloodwork.

December 2010:  As I waited to do the initial blood work, my body decided to play tricks on me.  From the middle of October to the end of December, I didn't get my period.  A 67 day cycle.  I won't even mention how many tears and pregnancy tests I wasted during those 67 days.  Finally, the witch arrived and I was able to start the process.

February 2011:  My OB/GYN is convinced I'm not ovulating....even though I think I am.  He suggests we start Clomid the next cycle....I decide I'm not ready to put synthetic chemicals into my body and opt to wait on the meds.  I began seeing my chiropractor for fertility adjustments and acupuncture.

June 2011: Acupuncture & chiropractic work helped bring my cycles down from an average of 50 days to 35 days!  Pretty incredible!  We decided we would give Clomid a shot at this point.

September 2011: Clomid=nothing for me.  These four rounds of Clomid were the most emotionally taxing thing Ive ever experienced.  My body didn't react to the meds in 3/4 attempts, and the one cycle we did get to trigger was a bust, just like the rest.  At my last round's mid-cycle check, it ended in tears in front of the doctor.  I was so mad at myself for not having stayed stronger.  That night, as I sat on my couch with a bottle of wine and a carton of ice cream, I decided we were done messing around.  Time to break out the big guns...and call the Reproductive Endocrinologist...who's number I had written down in my planner for several months,....

November 2011:  Well, here we are....in less than 2 weeks we will be making the four hour drive to Omaha, Nebraska to have our initial meeting with Dr. Doherty at Methodist Woman's Hospital.  This appointment really feels like our "new beginning"....it may be a short journey from here on out...or it may just be getting started...all I know is I'm ready!  BRING IT ON!

Hi, my name is Sara...and I'm infertile.

Well, I guess the title says it all, right?

I'm trying my hand at this "blog" thing for the first time, so bear with me.  I decided this was something I was going to try this summer....and here it is, November.  I guess it just took me a long time to write those words...I'm infertile.  UGH.  Who likes admitting that to themselves, let alone the vast wideness of the Internet?  I'm hoping this will be "therapeutic" or at the very least, a distraction on this journey!  My previous source of "therapy" came in the form of the website Fertility Friend, which is a website where I tracked all of this nonsense and met some really great people on the message boards...some of whom I miss dearly!!!

More to come.....