Octomom, anyone?

Geez.  Where is my 'gray zone'???  Why does my body insist on doing things to one extreme or the other?!?

Good News: I responded to Follistim.
Bad News: I could have been the next Octomom.  Seriously.

Our IUI has been cancelled due to having too many follicles.  8 possible mature follicles to be exact.  EIGHT. WHAT?!?!  How can a person go from not being able to produce ONE quality egg to EIGHT follicles ranging from 14-19mm???

The nurse called on Thursday afternoon with the results I was anticipating--Dr. Doherty was concerned with follicle amount and size.  She wanted to see us in person for u/s and blood work before she decided what the next step would be.  I told DH we would be making the drive to see her; he was little irritated that we would have to go to Omaha for the same thing they could do in Kearney.....he was changing his tune after we met with her and realized what a fiasco we had on our hands.  I tried to keep my composure while we were going over everything and what our next steps would be, but it was hard.  She thinks we need to try one more round of Follistim, moving just a little slower with the med dosage and monitoring my estrogen more, as my estrogen levels were much lower than they should have been for the amount of follicles I had.  If I still overstim, we will scrap IUI all together and move onto IVF this summer (this is because we can control how many go in...where with IUI there's no telling how many will fertilize).  She said with IVF she will push me hard with the meds, hoping to get the same results as we had this cycle, then do ET and IVF.

I know this is a "good problem" to have, much better than if I wouldn't have responded to the meds at all...but I'm still so disappointed that we start the wait over, again.....I will begin another pack of birth control so we can start the next injection cycle from a baseline.  This means that we won't get started again until March.  The waiting part is what sucks.  I know we're on the right path....I need to dig deep, yet again, and find the patience I'm needing to get through this and remember that this is GOD'S WILL. HIS WILL BE DONE.....NOT MINE!

CD 14 update

Well, the 150iu of Follistim must have been where it was at for me!  Follicles are now growing approx. 2mm a day.  Today, I had two measuring 18mm, and one measuring 17mm. 

Here's the kicker now....we've already told the doctor no embryo reduction, so that means they will cancel the trigger/IUI if there's too many (I'm too small to handle more than 2 in there she thought....and I'd probably have to agree!)  UGH.  This afternoon is going to creep by.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid with this and I'm freaking out for nothing....

A happy & sad heart

It's with a heavy heart that I'm writing about yesterday's ultrasound & bloodwork appointment.  Monday night, I got a text from my infertile/pregnant friend with sad news.  They went for their 11 week checkup and found there was no heartbeat.  The baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks.  My friend is devastated...as am I for them.  Not gonna lie...their pregnancy and BFP was the one I was vicariously living through. My heart hurts for them.  She text me yesterday about how they got the hospital for her d/c and they had to make a lot of decisions they didn't know they would be face with: if they wanted to bury the fetus or have the hospital take care of it, did they want it baptized, etc.  She said it was much more difficult than she ever imagined.  I have no idea what to do or say....so I sent flowers?  What else could I do??? I can empathize, but I have absolutely no idea how she feels.  And get this....silly girl.....she was asking ME how everything went at my checkup.  REALLY???  I almost couldn't bring myself to say the words, I was feeling so guilty (and I'm not even knocked up yet!)

As for my appointment, I was slightly disappointed at the ultrasound..I'm not sure why....I think it had a lot to do with the fact I was CD 12 and my follicle size wasn't very big.  I know, I know....it doesn't matter what day it is when you're on the meds....everything is monitored so closely and the cycle day really doesn't matter at this point, but it was still hard to not let it get in my head.  The nurse made a comment like, "Oh so you're getting very close!"  To which my response was, "uhhh, yeah probably not."  Last Saturday, I had 6 small follies on one side, 4 on the other, the biggest ones were 9.5 and 9.8.  CD 12 I have one at 14mm and one at 13mm....a few others that are pretty tiny still (10mmX2, 8mm).  I left the doctor's office a little sad (again..not sure why!) and waited for my phone call.


My mind was put at ease when my doctor's nurse called yesterday afternoon.  I guess the upped dosage of 150iu Follistim did the trick!  My estradiol numbers are looking great, and *FX* by the end of the week/weekend, we will be doing IUI.  I have one more shot tonight, another checkup in Kearney tomorrow, and then....who knows!  Possibly trigger tomorrow or we may have another checkup.  Either way.....we are getting close!  I wish my heart could be 100% excited for our progress, but I can't help but mourn for our friends at the same time.  My friend told me last night that her DH (who's my DH's best friend dating back to middle school...) broke down for the first time when the flowers we'd sent arrived.  It broke my heart to hear that.  She kept saying that she wants me to keep sharing our good news after each appointment, but I'm still struggling to do that.  I was very honest and asked her to please tell me when our good news is causing them more pain.  That's the last thing I want to do.


Updates to come...

A story of HOPE

A few weeks ago, while I was home sitting on my butt during Christmas break, I started browsing through different fertility books on amazon.com.  On several occasions I had come across the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.  I am always looking for new fertility reading material and decided this would be my next purchase.  I ordered it off of eBay for like $7 (including shipping!)....gotta love eBay!  Anyways, it arrived this week. I started reading a little here and there when I'd come home from work.  Right away I felt this book tugging at me, calling me.  So last night, as DH was watching T.V. (more like sleeping in front of the T.V) I continued to read Hannah's Hope.

WOW.  What an incredible story.  In a nutshell, the author tells two stories simultaneously, her own journey of infertility, miscarriages, and adoption loss, and the story of Hannah from the Old Testament.  If you are a spiritual person and are looking for some spiritual guidance, this is THE BOOK to read.  I finished the entire book in about 3 hours.  I felt such a connection to both the author and to Hannah---not because of the journey of infertility, but because of the similarities of our spiritual journeys.  It made me reflect on where we've been, where we're at, and where we hope to be.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling to give up complete control to God, anyone living in the past or future, or if you're wanting to find that inner peace while on this journey.  I can honestly say that this morning I woke up with a renewed sense of HOPE and a peace that hasn't been in my soul in a very, very long time.

My timing (wait...God's timing for me) reading this book couldn't have been any better.  This morning was my first checkup since starting injections on Monday.  I am on CD 9 today.  Although the results weren't as great as they could have been, I took the news with stride, acceptance, and trust that He knows what He's doing and everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to!  Results of the u/s showed I have multiple follicles growing: left side-9.5, 9.7, 9.0, 7.5, 7.0mm and right side-9.8, 9.5, 7.6, 7.6mm and lining was 4 1/2 mm.  Estradiol was 77.  Sooooo....things are progressing, but not as well as they would like, so I've been bumped up to 150 iu of Follistim and have another appointment on Tuesday to check again.

I have such a good feeling of hope right now--and it really has nothing to do with this cycle working or not.  I think I've finally been able to truly give this up to God.  I know there will be times when I want to snatch it back from God, but I need to remind myself that I have given it up to Him and that HE AND ONLY HE is in control of this journey.

Ready, Set, INJECT!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen....we have liftoff!!!!!!  My appointment on Monday went great.  Lining was measuring 2 1/2-3mm (wayyyyy better than 12mm like it was last month!!) and my estrogen levels were under 5 (not 148 like last time!!).  I guess that pesky birth control did its job!!!  We got the go-ahead on Monday afternoon from my doctor's nurse....

So here it is:  75 iu of Follistim Monday, January 9th through Friday, January 13th.  So far the shots have been fine.  The first night I sat there reading and re-reading the directions.  Finally, DH knocked on the bathroom door asking if I had passed out! LOL. I have another u/s and blood work check on Saturday morning.  Again, I don't have to go all the way for Omaha for it, I can do it in Kearney, so that's very helpful.  After Saturday, we'll know a little more.  I'm so freakin' excited that we are finally moving FORWARD!  Since my last Clomid cycle in September we have been on a break from trying and, although I wouldn't have chosen for the break to last 4 months, it did but we are here NOW! 

Continue to throw some prayers our way....I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but also realistic.  I know this first round is somewhat a shot in the dark and if we don't catch the eggie, it'll be okay, but at the same time I'm sooooo pumped because this is truly our FIRST SHOT at getting pregnant since we started this journey a year and a half ago.  FX....maybe we'll get ourselves a Halloween baby!!!

One & Done!

I'm hoping this is the last birth control pill I'll ever have to take!!!  Doctor's appointment on Monday to see if this sh*t did its job!!  Fingers crossed....