Reflection in a letter

Today is New Year's Eve.  As I'm picking up the kitchen, I started reflecting on this past year.  Suddenly, I felt compelled to start writing stuff down...the old fashioned way, nonetheless.  I started jotting things down and before I knew it, I was writing a letter to our 'not yet conceived' child.  I decided I would share it.

Dear Sweet Baby,

Where are you?  This year has come and gone, and you're still not here.  I know it just isn't time for you to be here yet, and I need to be more patient while I wait, but I'm so anxious for you to come to this Earth to be with me and your daddy.  We already love you so much and we'll keep waiting for you, but know we are so excited for you to arrive.

It's been a hard year without you.  Last New Year's was around the time that I realized you were going to be more "elusive" than we had originally thought.  I thought you would be here shortly after we decided to start trying for you....but it didn't work out that way.  In the meantime, I've watched countless friends go from not trying...to trying....to conceiving and carrying..to giving birth...to spending their first holiday season with their sweet babies....and here we are.  It's like everyone around us has changed and grown, yet we're exactly where we were a year ago.

Only we're not.  Although you're not here yet, lots has changed.  I've spent the last year taking my temperature where the 'sun don't shine', peeing on sticks, getting stuck with acupuncture needles, changing my lifestyle and diet, only to give up on "giving up" on things I enjoyed.  I've put foreign, synthetic chemical in my body to make my eggs and our chances better, with little to no change in things.  I've switched doctors, had countless ultrasounds, viles of blood drawn, Hell, I'm even currently on birth control to "reboot" my system.  Birth control!!  Ironic, huh?

So here I am, in the last day of 2011.  I know I could look back on this year and feel sorry for myself (which I have at times....and that's ok, too) or I could look to 2012 and think "THIS is the year our sweet baby is conceived in love and joins us in this world."  I'm going to stick with the latter way of thinking.

In 10 short days I go in for another ultrasound and blood work to see if this next cycle we can start injections, hopefully bringing you one step closer to this world.  Until then, sweet baby, stay close to Jesus in heaven and know your daddy and I are down here, praying for patience, strength, and hope until it is your turn to leave Him and come down here with us.

We love you, sweet baby.

Mommy

I jinxed it.

Maybe I should have waited a couple days before I blogged about our busted cycle.  Maybe then I wouldn't have jinxed myself after handing the news so well.  Maybe I should have gone to Wal-Mart and picked up the prescription trigger shot last week when they called and said it was in....then that way I wouldn't have been picking up prenatal vitamins, Novarel, and birth control pills all at the same time yesterday afternoon. 

I went to get my prescriptions yesterday, since the nurse told me to start the birth control pills today (Thursday).  I show up and they pulled out 2 prescriptions (my trigger shot that I had already ordered before my period even started and a refill of my prenatals)-but no birth control.  The lady behind the counter stared at me blankly saying there was no record of that prescription.  So there I was, standing at the Wal-Mart Pharmacy counter, calling my doctor's office to see where the hell this prescription is, to which the nurse's response was, "well we called it in yesterday.  I don't know why they don't have it."  After about 15 minutes of this, all for a drug that I really don't WANT to take and goes against everything we've been doing for the last 1 1/2 years (...I know, why I'm on it and whatever, it's fine...it was just the principle behind the matter....birth control while TTC..ugh) they finally figured out it was called into the wrong Wal-Mart.  Needless to say, we got it taken care of, and I walked out with all 3 of my oxy-moronic meds. 

I don't know why, but this was the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back.'  As I was walking out of Wal-Mart I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes and my throat tightening.  Dammit, you're not gonna do this....MAN UP!!! But it was too late.  All my "Polly Positive" energy was gone-I was losing it in the Wal-Mart parking lot. 

That night, DH knew instantly that something was the matter.  (I don't know what gave it away...maybe my puffy eyes and the goblet-sized wine glass filled to the brim?)  He didn't push the issue until I hardly ate supper, ignored 2 phone calls, and said I was going to bed--at 8:30.  Once I realized he wasn't going to leave it alone and he wanted to talk about it, my temper-tantrum of the year began.  I sobbed and sobbed for nearly an hour as he held me and took on the role of Pollyanna.  The last three months I've been so strong, so positive about everything, and in one (rather large) crying fit I felt like I was back to my neurotic self that I had been this summer--someone I really didn't like being.

Today I started the birth control.  Today is a new day.  We're one day closer to our child.  My utter meltdown has passed and I've picked myself up and dusted off.  I'll be okay....only if my meltdown-induced headache hadn't resurfaced this morning....after an Excedrin migraine, maybe I'll be back to 100%.  

Waiting...and waiting...

For the first time--probably ever-- I can honestly say I was excited for CD 1.  This new cycle would bring the start of the next leg of the race-injections.  So in between our appointment with the RE and now, time has been slllllllloooowwwwwwllllyyyyyy passing by...until last week.  FINALLY! I started spotting last Wednesday, so I knew it would be on its way.  Now, my annoying spotting can last anywhere from two days to a week.  I was hoping it would be closer to the two days.  After four days of teasing, Sunday was the real day: CYCLE DAY ONE!!!!

I called my doctor's office early Sunday morning, they faxed the order for blood work and ultrasound to my doctor in Kearney, and Monday morning I called to set up the CD 3 appointment.  The only thing standing between me and the next step was the blood work and ultrasound.  My RE had told me the reason for the CD ultrasound was to make sure there were no cysts and the blood work was to make sure all the hormone numbers were where they should be.

So yesterday morning I had my CD 3 appointment.  I spent the entire day with my phone 6 inches from my hand at all time, anxiously awaiting the call from my RE with the go-ahead and my injection dosage.  Well, that's not what I got.  (Of course not, right, because WHY would something just work out the first time for me?!)

As it turned out, the ultrasound indicated no cysts, but my lining was still super thick--12mm ("...on the bright side, we know you don't have a lining issue," said the nurse on the phone).  However, that's not "a big deal," she said.  The kicker--my lab work was NOT what it should have been.  Estradiol was a staggering 140.  It's supposed to be <50.  This cycle is already a complete bust.  F*CK.  So the next step now???  (Oh and I love the irony of this one....) birth control pills to "re-boot" my system.  BAHAHA!  It's actually quite hilarious! Birth control pills when your TTC?!  DH made a good point, though.  He said, "I'd rather have to wait another 3 weeks and do it right, than waste our time and money if everything doesn't look good."  And I totally agree with him.  I actually took the news much better than I had expected. 

So here we are, waiting...and waiting...and waiting, yet again.  I guess this is just another detour on our journey.  The good news is I plan to thoroughly enjoy my Christmas break with lots of wine, food, and good company.  I've considered chasing my birth control pill with lovely shiraz....think that's okay?  :)  The other good news, at least on the pill I won't have an almost 40 day cycle like this last one was....god that sucks. 

I know this wait is another part of God's plan and I'm pretty proud of myself for not throwing a temper-tantrum because of the wait.  I guess it's really an appropriate time of the year, too.  As I reflect on this wait, I think about the Advent season and how we're awaiting the birth of Christ.  Just as God is preparing our hearts for our Lord this time of year, He too, is preparing my heart for the rest of our journey.  It reminds me of a song by John Waller......

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience 

 
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

We'll pick this journey up again in a month.....what's one more month, right???  And in the meantime....I will wait.

My own little island

I have some pretty awesome people helping me along this journey.  From my "virtual sisters" from the Fertility Friend message boards, to my amazing hubby, who's had to deal with my rollercoaster emotions for the last year and a half, as well as numerous friends/family/coworkers who've been supportive, even my college friends who couldn't really relate (because they were knocked up after looking at their husband's...) but empathized for me.  Out of all of my support system, though, there was the ONE FRIEND that totally got it, only because she was in the seat right next to me on the infertility rollercoaster.....that is, until now.  Yep, my token infertile friend called me yesterday.  They're pregnant. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am over the moon excited for her.  They've been at it as long as we have and started meds several months ago as well.  I was, by no means, surprised to get the call.  I mean, we've kept each other in the loop throughout every cycle.  Hell, I even knew what time of the day she did the trigger shot.  If I'm being honest, she's probably the only friend/family member that's told me and my initial desire wasn't to jump through the phone and strangle her. (Nice image, huh?)  But as I got off the phone with her, I couldn't help but feel that sadness creep in.  Only this time it was a different sadness than I'd experienced before....it was more like, the realization that I'm completely alone.

As I drove home from work (my 40 minute commute), I allowed myself 5 minutes to feel sorry for myself.  During those 5 minutes, the image of a deserted island kept popping into my mind.  It's like....we were trapped on this deserted island together and then one day, someone comes to rescue us, but there's only enough room for one....so now she's gone & I'm left on my own little island, who knows when I'll get to be rescued.  When I got home, of course I poured myself a glass of wine and allowed myself 5 more minutes of self pity.  As I sat with my full glass of wine and my empty womb, I prayed that my ship will come in soon.....and then this morning, as I drove to work, I saw the most beautiful sunrise.  A peace came over me....and then I thought, "I'm not alone on my island....the Lord is sitting right next me...and has been for a long time."

God is Good.  My prayer quickly changed from the usual 'me, me, me' to prayers for my friend who's experiencing this amazing miracle.  I pray that her baby will continue to grow and in 9 months they're welcoming their beautiful, healthy baby.  And if I'm lucky, maybe I'll be knocked up by then, too.

...and the ride continues

The appointment with Dr. Doherty in Omaha went fabulous!  I loved her--she was quick & to the point, but still listened to us, let us ask questions, and was patient.  She made it sound like our next step is "easy-peasey-lemon-squeezy."  I'm feeling very confident that she is "the one" to help us on this next step of our journey.  I also felt justified for switching doctors when she looked up from my chart, looked at me, and said, "You should have never been on 200mg of Clomid.  Ever.  We will not be doing Clomid again."  She also told me no more exercise, even if it was just walking and to "go buy a carton of ice cream."   Uhhhh....yes, doctor, whatever you say!!!! :D 

So here it is...the "next step" begins with injects of Follistim (unsure as to the dosage still) & numerous visits to Kearney for blood work and ultrasounds during CD 3-14.  Thank goodness we're able to "contract" that out and we're not going to Omaha 5-6 times in a two week span.  EEK!  That would suck.  When all looks good, we'll do the trigger shot (hCG)....and then we'll be on our way to Omaha for IUI! where we hopefully make our baby!!

I wish my crystal ball was working so I knew exactly what days everything would be happening on, as to help me feel more prepared (weird, I still can't give up control, can I?  I know God is up there laughing at me saying, "when will you learn your lesson?!")  I guess until CD 1 I'm going to enjoy sex (since I haven't really done that in over a year), drink that 2nd (or 3rd) glass of wine at night, and enjoy a good night's sleep.  Here's to hoping to go out of 2011 with a bang...and a baby on board!

The evil Internet

Why did I feel compelled to Google my new RE 48 hours before my appointment???  I ran across a page with close to 60 reviews of her....and about 1/4 of them were not good reviews.  As if I wasn't already starting to freak out about our appointment!!!  I'm to stay grounded and not get freaked by all the crappy reviews.  Most of the bad ones said that she was very abrupt, cold, and not compassionate.  Although I'm all for a doctor that's cut & dry and doesn't sugar coat things, isn't bedside manner sort of important, too? 

UGH.  I guess we'll see on Wednesday.  Saying an extra prayer tonight, that's for sure....I have to remember I've had several friends & coworkers refer her to me....and most of them have children, thanks to her.  

A bit of history...

So obviously we're not the first, nor will we be the last, to ride this roller coaster of infertility.  Our story is not all that unique or different than most couple's experiencing this, but nonetheless, a little background information is nice.....So here's our story (up to now) in a quick timeline....

January 2010:  I got off birth control to let my body be "normal" for the first time in a long time.  We continued to use protection because we "weren't quite ready" for kids yet.  (Ohhhh the irony!)

August 2010:  I began charting & taking my BBT because the 8 months off birth control showed my body was very, very irregular. 

October 2010:  I had that gut feeling that something "just wasn't right" with my body.  We hadn't been at it long, but I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that we were going to be in for the long haul.  I brought it up to my doctor at my annual appointment and she told me to go ahead and make an initial fertility consultation.  She also wrote a script for my initial bloodwork.

December 2010:  As I waited to do the initial blood work, my body decided to play tricks on me.  From the middle of October to the end of December, I didn't get my period.  A 67 day cycle.  I won't even mention how many tears and pregnancy tests I wasted during those 67 days.  Finally, the witch arrived and I was able to start the process.

February 2011:  My OB/GYN is convinced I'm not ovulating....even though I think I am.  He suggests we start Clomid the next cycle....I decide I'm not ready to put synthetic chemicals into my body and opt to wait on the meds.  I began seeing my chiropractor for fertility adjustments and acupuncture.

June 2011: Acupuncture & chiropractic work helped bring my cycles down from an average of 50 days to 35 days!  Pretty incredible!  We decided we would give Clomid a shot at this point.

September 2011: Clomid=nothing for me.  These four rounds of Clomid were the most emotionally taxing thing Ive ever experienced.  My body didn't react to the meds in 3/4 attempts, and the one cycle we did get to trigger was a bust, just like the rest.  At my last round's mid-cycle check, it ended in tears in front of the doctor.  I was so mad at myself for not having stayed stronger.  That night, as I sat on my couch with a bottle of wine and a carton of ice cream, I decided we were done messing around.  Time to break out the big guns...and call the Reproductive Endocrinologist...who's number I had written down in my planner for several months,....

November 2011:  Well, here we are....in less than 2 weeks we will be making the four hour drive to Omaha, Nebraska to have our initial meeting with Dr. Doherty at Methodist Woman's Hospital.  This appointment really feels like our "new beginning"....it may be a short journey from here on out...or it may just be getting started...all I know is I'm ready!  BRING IT ON!

Hi, my name is Sara...and I'm infertile.

Well, I guess the title says it all, right?

I'm trying my hand at this "blog" thing for the first time, so bear with me.  I decided this was something I was going to try this summer....and here it is, November.  I guess it just took me a long time to write those words...I'm infertile.  UGH.  Who likes admitting that to themselves, let alone the vast wideness of the Internet?  I'm hoping this will be "therapeutic" or at the very least, a distraction on this journey!  My previous source of "therapy" came in the form of the website Fertility Friend, which is a website where I tracked all of this nonsense and met some really great people on the message boards...some of whom I miss dearly!!!

More to come.....